(Turns out, love works better when you stop treating people like projects.)
For most of my adult life, I had a habit of falling in love with people’s potential. I would see everything they could become and immediately start:
🚀 Pushing them
💡 Encouraging them
🎯 Challenging them
😂 Probably creating a development plan nobody requested
I pushed people the way I pushed myself. For decades, I thought that was love. Then I got divorced at 40.
It was painful, humbling, and after a lot of work with my therapist, I realized something uncomfortable: the common denominator in most of my failed relationships was me. I kept loving who someone could become instead of accepting who they already were.
THE BRAIN CANDY 🧠
Relationship science calls one important part of healthy connection PERCEIVED PARTNER RESPONSIVENESS.
It is the feeling that another person understands you, values you, cares about you, and responds to who you actually are. Not who they would prefer you to become. Then I met Dan. ❤️
Before I met him, I had already made myself a promise: the next person I loved, I would accept wholeheartedly. I could see his potential, but what he did with it was his choice.
Today, I am in a deeply loving and respectful relationship with someone who accepts all of me, and I accept all of him.
Perfect? Absolutely not. 😂 Relationships are work. They move through different seasons, disagreements, growth, stress, joy, and the occasional moment when one person’s breathing suddenly becomes inexplicably irritating. But there is something wonderful about meeting someone in your 40s.
🧠 You know yourself better.
💼 You have built your own life and career.
❤️ You know what matters to you.
🌱 You realize growth is something you support, not something you demand.
WHY THIS MATTERS BEYOND LOVE 💡
I think this applies just as much to leadership, friendship, and work. Great leaders should see potential in people. Great partners should too. But there is a difference between believing someone can grow and deciding who they need to become.
People thrive when they feel seen, respected, and trusted enough to grow from who they are, not constantly measured against who someone else thinks they should be.
These photos from my parents’ pirate party captured that connection for me in real time. Two ridiculous adults dressed as pirates, dancing, laughing, and completely being ourselves. 🏴☠️😂❤️
Maybe the lesson, in love and in life, is pretty simple:
See people for who they are. Believe in who they can become. But don’t confuse the two.
